im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
