why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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