I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
