I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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