dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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