a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
