i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
