I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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