first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
