oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i love accidental penises.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
