chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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