Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
