I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
