First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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