Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
