please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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