Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize