Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
