I hate all girls vehemently.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
