Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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