so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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