Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
