every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
