Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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