I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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