the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Btw I puked in your glovebox
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
