I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
