grandma shit on top of the toilet
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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