Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
