apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize