last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
