And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
