Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
