I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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