The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Randomize
