Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's just like the Real World with babies
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
