I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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