Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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