My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
