My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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