So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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