There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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