chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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