i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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