I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
