Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
