There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
