over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
