I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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