You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
