Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
