Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
