I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
