i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
