If that was your dad, he is hot
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
