the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
