Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
