i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
