I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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