Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize