do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
either way he was missing a nipple.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
