I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
